It is not what happens to us, but what we choose to do with it.

My life was changed for ever in December 2007. My partner of 22 years chose to end her life. We all know that eventually we will die and we expect it, not necessarily embracing the idea, but it is a fact. Suicide is a different experience.

My friends ask me what happened, I don't understand it myself. Sometimes we don't know what is happening in the mind of our closest friend and lover. The fact is that it happened. The impact of an event like that affects not only the family but friends and colleagues. Suicide brings many issues not usually encountered in normal death. There are some issues: guilt, anger, confusion, sense of abandonment, etc. and it takes time and acceptance to deal with them.

Some people (the ones left behind) never recover from a painful and shocking blow to the spirit. Others, try to deal with it in a passive way, hoping that time will take care of the pain.

For a while I lost myself in the process of understanding what and how it happened, trying to find answers. I became a zombie-like, not eating or even remembering where I had been in the last five minutes. Most well intended people say: I can imagine what you are going through. No can do, you can't imagine the personal loss and tremendous blow to another person. Only someone who has suffered a catastrophic loss can understand that.

I could have elected to be a victim for ever and be despondent or to choose to be the best I can be from now on. There are other people who depend on me, I need to be strong to take care of them. I chose to deal with the fact that she ended her life and I had nothing to do with it. I will never forget her, but I have to move on and choose to be happy.

Two things that helped me deal with the pain: the kindness of a few friends -true friends- the ones who stick with you through thick and thin; and practicing acts of gratitude for all the people and things showing up in my daily life. I also have become very much aware of the moment and being generous with everyone who I encounter every day. Sometimes a single hello or taking the time to listen to someone makes all the difference in their lives and mine. The more you give, the more will come back to you. The trick is to do it with total detachment and not expecting anything in return.